Veiled Woman, At Night, On A Road. The ground is covered with snow. She is tired. She does not know where she is going...She hears a noise in the dark woods near her...what is it?

She hears a twig *snap* to her left.

She is frightened..no one should be on this road...she crouches down, afraid. A shape looms out of the darkness...

...clutching her breast the woman weakly calls out, "Who's there?". A hoarse voice answers her...

"a friend!" she hears...and it is a voice she knows. He steps onto the road and she sees it is a friend of hers, hurt. He is clutching his side...she moves to him and sees he is bleeding. "What happened?" she asks.

In a thready voice, her friend answers, "I'm not sure...this large furry animal leaped out at me while I was strolling upon yonder road", he weakly lifts his good arm and points in the direction whence he came. The woman gently places her small hand on her friends brow. "You will be okay now. Let us get you to my house before the beast returns".

I was out walking around with the new hat I got (holding out hat: ball cap with 2 fake antlers that hold beer cans attached to it) and the next thing I know I was hit in the side by this arrow. He shows her the arrow that looks like...

an Indian Mayan relic. She helps him walk, and they move slowly down the road. His breath is hoarse, raspy. She worries he won't make it. They pause, and he falls back to the ground. "Can you make it?" she asks."I don't know."In front of them, they hear the beast roar.

"You must help me, Tom" she urges her friend. Again, the beast roars in the distance...it is coming closer. "It knows you are wounded, we must make haste", the woman says briskly. Out of nowhere, out pops..

a strange beast. Suddenly, a shriek like something Tarzan would approve of comes from the night and another man runs into the road. "You thief!!!! Give me goddamn hat back!!!!!""""

The beast is Clive, their friend from Tapirville. Heaving a sigh of relief, the woman slaps Clive for scaring the hell out them. "Clive, you idiot, Tom is hurt". Clive looks contrite. "I'm sorry, Eva. I was just trying out my new bow and arrow set I got for Christmas"

But there is no Clive in Tapirland...the woman accepts the answer for a moment...then she relizes that clive from Tapirland is dead. "Imposter!" she hollars and runs for him....

A tall, lanky man with a strange accent comes upon them..." I have a place closer..." he says. He leads them to a cave near a stream, and they lay Tom gently down. tom is delirous. "I can heal him..." says the woman..."but I need my things..."

The tall man stands. "I will fetch them for you". "But" the woman stammers "you don't know where I live" "Yes, I do..I have known about you for a very long time"

Suddenly, the woman stands and a dagger is in her hand.... "You have tried to kill poor Tom...but I will defy you to my last breath!!!" she lunges for the odd talking stranger...

but the the stranger disappears before her disbelieving eyes! She turns to look at Tom, but he is also gone...

Eva looks around her in disbelief...."The magic horned cap!" she cries! "The stories are true! If the hat is returned to Tapirland, either Great Evil or Great Good must comme... She looks about her...but she can see no sign of Tom. "It must be Heretic!" she cries! "I must go to the village of Tapir and gain support to find Tom and his magic hat so peace may be restored to Tapirland!"

Frantically, Eva sets off for Tapirland, plowing through the steep drifts of snow, she stumbles often but is determined to find Tom and his magic hat. Clive, the imposter, watches her from his perch on a nearby tree...

Subject: Heretic, the Clive imposter realizes that if Eva and her do gooder friends get their hands on the hat, all of his evil plans will come to naught.

Eva realizes there is one safe haven for her from the clutches of Heretic...the Warden Bree. Only she has the power of the Great FrootLoop Necklace to save Eva...

Eva finally makes it to Warden Brees liar. Tentatively, she raps on the door. "Whadda ya want?" the mighty Warden Bree calls out. "Please, oh majestic one, please help me. It is Eva, otherwise known as the petite looloo. I need your assistance and, I'm afraid, the power of the Great Froot Loo necklace.." Eva/Looloo is cut off by a mighty roar. The heavy iron door swings open and the mighty Warden Bree steps forth...

The Great Warden steps forth in all her glory...doves fly from the doorway, the wonderful smell of gingerbread comes from the house, and she wears a necklace of the most wonderfully colored froot loops. She gives one glance at Eva and yells "This is NOT MY LOO LOO!!!" Eva cowers and says..."It is true...I am not LooLOO...but I have Tom, who is your friend, and he is wounded..." The Warden steps closer. "Who has hurt Tom?" "Heretic...he is after the Magic Hat..."

The mighty Bree peers closer. "I do not see Tom. Why do you lie to me, young miss?"Cowering Eva replies, "He was with me, but was wounded. Heretic tryed to take the magic hat from him and then they both disappeared!"Bree's eyes narrow, the froot loop necklace at her throat begins to quiver. "You must be telling truth, young one. The fruit loops tell me so."Gently Warden Bree guides Eva into her liar. A screech pierces the air. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Heretic is beset with tremors at the thought of the Mighty Bree and her powerful necklace. Hurridly, he ...

leaps from the night and grabs Eva. He screams the horrible words "RAISED TO INIFINITY!!!!" And he and Eva vanish. Eva blanks out...and wakes up in the dark, in a place far too warm for her liking. She stands, and sees she is in a large cave, with chasm to the left. She peers into the chasm, where an eerie light comes forth. Below is lava, a thick river of molten rock. She steps back, horrified. She is hot, and takes off her cloak...

and finds the froot loop necklace is hanging from her delicate little throat! Quickly she strokes the loops and lifts them to her ruby lips...

and whispers the magic words The Warden has told her...suddenly, she hears a horrific wailing! She open her eyes and in front of the chasm stands the Dark Empress! "The Warden thought she had you...Heretic thought he had you...But you are MINE!!!!" She screeches hysterically...She reaches for Eva, and Eva runs....

but suddenly finds herself lifted into the air by a pair of strong arms. It is Tom, miraculously recovered and wearing the magic hat. He smiles down at her as they swoop through the snowy air, heading for Tapirland. A boom sounds from the city. Could it be the famed Nerf Cannon?

The nerf cannon booms...and they feel a blast and shock hurtle past them. Eva screams, and Tom drops her... She hurtles to the earth, screaming. She stretches out her arms, and more magical words come to her lips...she feels wings sprout from her arms. She rises up in the air, and sings into the darkness...she is a bird..and the Fruit Loop Necklace is now colored feathers at her throat... But where is Tom?

Tom lands near her with the grace of a gazelle. The crowds rush forth to embrace him. The snow drifts softly upon the people of Tapirland as Eva gently floats to his side. In her evil cavern, the Dark Empress Tova throttles Heretic within an inch of his life. "You fool," she screams "You let the magic hat enter Tapirland!" Heretic trembles beneath her blows.

Eva, still in the form of the bird, swoops above the crowd. She is very disturbed; not all of Tapir land is there! Where is LooLoo, Tova, Daisy, Jungleman and the rest? Scared, she flys through the night until the dawn begins to break. She is at The Fortress of the Dark Empress. There, figures adorn the top of the fortress...figures frozen in ice...Jungleman swinging from his vine, Looloo, with a garland of Fruit Loops, and all the rest...

Gracefully and quietly she swoops down and gently places a SSMMMOOOCCHHH on Junglemans cheek. The ice surrounding Junglemans masculine body melts away and the Jungleman lets out a Tarzan yell that cracks the ice surrounding the other citizens of Tapirland. Looloo awakens slowly and wonders...

if she should switch to Captan Crunch. She stares at a strange bird with colored feathers about her neck, and realizes it is eerily like the Great FruiLoop Necklace. She sees Jungleman leap from fortress with Daisy in his arms. Tova chirpily dives off the fortress into the snow...the others following her. But Looloo is frightened. She alone seems to realize where they are.

Eva, the strange bird that looloo sees swoops down and plucks a froot loop from looloo's throat. "See, looloo, if you eat but one fruit loop you will become like me and we shall fly over to the liar of the Evil Dark Empress and Heretic and stop them!" Looloo eyes Eva warily. "Are you bonkers?" she asks Eva. "No my sweet, we must save Tapirland and whosoever wears the Great Froot Loop necklace must join the fray!" "Lucky me," mutters Looloo, as she eats a froot loop from the necklace. At the Dark Empress's liar, Heretic is licking his wounds and eyeing the evil witch's bosom... Our hero, Tom welcomes Jungleman, Daisy, and the others back to Tapirland...but he wonders "Where is my sweet princess, Jen?"

Eva knows that even though Tom has his Magic Hat it can still be taken from him by anyone who holds the Black Shield of Armadillo. And to get the Shield of the Armadillo, one must have a fair virgin...The Princess Eva doesn't dare tell Tom...yet.

The Dark Empress taps on the iron bars of the cell before her. She cocks her evil head and listens to the cracking of the ice above her. "Those fools," she chortles, "They think they can run from me! Little do they know that I hold the fair virgin, Jenn, in my liar! As soon as Heretic awakens from the beating I gave him, I will have him wrest the Black Shield of Armadillo from her and then the magic hat will be mine!" Heretic moans in his stupor. Meanwhile, back at Tapirland the inhabitants are rejoicing at the return of their beloved citizens. Jungleman throws Daisy into the air with glee, but the Wise Woman Tova stands aside pondering the problem before them. How, oh how, will she tell the dazzling Tom that his beloved Princess Jen, is about to be ravaged by the evil Heretic?

But the Wise Woman Tova also knows there is a force in the land not yet encountered. The mysterious force of The Shadow, who has learned the secret art of clouding the minds of men (and Women!) so they cannot see him. Tova knows she must tell Tom, but if she can get Tom to find the Shadow, perhaps they may help the Princess. But they will need time...for it would take but a minute for the frenzied Heretic to wrest knowledge of the Shield of Armadillo from the Princess. Somehow, they need to divert The Dark Empress and Heretic from the princess, so Tom may find Shadow. Above her, the strange bird, Eva, is flying. Tova calls to her: "Go back to the lair of the Empress and tell her....

...that she has beaten us! If she will allow us to leave this land, then she may have it all" Tova hopes this bit of news will divert the evil empress long enough for Tom to locate the shadow. Quickly, she disengages the jubilant Tom from the fair maiden, Willie's arms and draws him aside. "Tom, you must find the Shadow. Danger still lurks upon the world of Tapirland and we must focus or all will be lost, not to mention the sweet virginity of your princess Jen". Jolted by this news, Tom proceeds to peer into the Magic Hat. "oh magic hat," he intones, "bring to me the shadow, he who knows all, tells naught, and generally can fix anything". A great humming pours forth from the hat and the elusive Shadow materilizes. Back at the liar, Jen is spitting fire at the evil Heretic, who is at this moment drooling buckets over Jen's large bosum.

Heretic, unaware that the demure and fair Jen can spit fire, cannot dodge a really nasty volley, and is hurled into the wall. He blacks out slowly, but still drooling. Jen, jubilant, is smart enough to NOT whoop and hollar at this point. She runs to the window, but it is barred. However, she sees a strange bird with mulitcolor feathers at it's throat...the bird speaks.."It is I, Eva...Jen there is a secret passage behind the thick head of Heretic..." Jen turns, and sees there is faint crack in the wall where the thick skulled Heretic now lies. "I see it...where does it go..." "to the labrynth...I will try to meet you there. Follow the stairs to the River Below and wait for me or another guide. But be carefull..only follow those who bear the Fruit Loop insigna!"

Jen steps carefully around the drooling Heretic. Just for good measure, she delivers a quick kick to the creatures side on her way out. Swiftly, she descends the stairs to the River Below and encounters Looloo there. *hugs* "Quickly," looloo exclaims, "We must return to Tapirland before the Evil Empress realizes you are gone!" Jen takes looloo's hand and begins to cross the river but is disturbed that looloo's hand feels cold and clammy. Too late, she realizes she did not heed Eva's advice...she is in the clutches of the Dark Empress once again! Meanwhile,back in Tapirland, Tom steps back to allow the Shadow room to appear. Shadow is not happy about being disturbed while frolicking with his girl toys in his hot tub! "How dare you disturb me!" he exclaims."Oh, please, dear Shadow, we need your help!"

The Dark Empress begins to haul the hapless Jen up the stairs once more. Jen wails and beats feebly at the Dark Empress. But from the dark river behind them a shape looms up... "Release her!" Booms the voice of Warden Bree. The Dark Empress turns, horrified. She sees the Warden Bree in all her dazzling glory, troll hair neatly braided and in the silkiest frock the Warden could find. "She is MINE!" Screams the Empress. she continues to haul poor hapless Jen up the stairs...Meanwhile, at the Lair of the Dark Rabbit, Tom and Shadow are trying to come to terms... " I don't care about Jen!" hollars Shadow "I just wanna have a good time!" A chorus of girlish voices from the hottub raise up in agreement. The form of the Dark Rabbit moves behind Shadow.."You must help...or you will never hottub here again!"

"Ah shucks," says the Shadow "you ruin all my fun, Dark Rabbit!" Shadow hauls himself out of the hot tub amidst sighs of disappointment from the girls there (actually they don't care if he leaves because they still have those lovely hot tub jets - who needs a man?). "Okay, Tom, off we go", Shadow takes Tom by the arm and they vanish into the night. At the Dark Empress's castle, Jen is still trying to escape from the evil womans grasp as suddenly two figures appear before them. Shadow reaches forth and clouds the empress's mind and Jen collapses into Tom's waiting arms. The Warden Bree hauls the evil dark empress into the cell previously occupied by the Princess Jen. Shadow casually yawns and asks "Can I get back to my girls and hot tub now?" As Tom delights in the soft arms of his beloved, everyone present fails to notice the evil Heretic lurking in the dark with his famous watering can of doom...

Heretic raises the Watercan of Doom and begings to sprinkle muddy colored water on the assembly.... Dazed, the Warden Bree can only shake her head slowly from side to side. She looks up, to see that Shadow and the others have vanished...only Heretic, who is beginning to look pretty nifty to her, is there. "this...is my best...frock." she whispers.."you are getting it...wet..." Heretic, the drooling continuing, makes a mover for her, and casts aside the Water Can of Doom (for surely there is no fouler watering can in Tapirland than one that can cause even Warden Bree to lust after Heretic!) They fall, together, into the river.....

... and commence to paw all over one another. "Let us retire to my home, The Tapir Mountain, where we can be alone." Eagerly, Heretic agrees. Back at the castle the doomed Dark Empress awakes from her stupor in time to see the infamous watering can of doom descending on her head. BONK! As she goes down with a thundering crash she notices that someone (probably that evil Heretic) has stolen her hemmoroid cushion! "NOOOOOOOOO," she screams in agony. Back in Tapirland, the Taperites are rejoicing! Tom and Jen adjourn to the palace of the Princess to consummate their long awaited reunion. Wise Woman Tova decides that those girls of Shadow's have the right idea and joins them in the hot tub. Shadow clambors back into the tub admist his beauties. All is well, once again, in Tapirland.

The End

This story was written as a collabortive effort on Tapir's message boards. It kept us all busy for a while and kept our minds off of our troubles and our panic attacks.

ALL CONTENTS OF THIS STORY ARE COPYRIGHTED BY THE AUTHORS OF TAPIRLAND

In Reply to: Someone tell us more about the Dark Rabbit

and the DR is...the Dark Side of...H(gotta keep a little mystery in here)--since I definitely have a dark side,pretty tremendous,homongous,and potent,Man,yeah--he(I)lives,obviously in a Lair,from which he emerges at night or during eclipses to lure innocent PA and such victims,to keep them prisoner in the Lair for time indeterminate(he is very capricious)--however,often he gives shelter to the same sort of victims,who need a place to hide and recoup--they can leave anytime,but cannot be forced to leave--by DR,or threats or promises from friends or enemies(who have to stay outside and call down their communications)--he is kind of stolen from Watership Down,but is nicer--he sometimes has Alice for tea and plays chess with the mad hatter--he will defend the dormouse to the death--Alice's sister is a b##ch and worse,don't trip over her as she does her thing in the grass--her name,if you care,is camelia,and she is more trouble than she is worth--she is the sworn enemy of DR but can't see in the dark so he always gets the best of her

January 23rd to January 24th 1999